I Hate My Job Survival Guide: Commute Edition

Many men and women today despise their job, but many are lucky enough to avoid the never enjoyable business commute. Sitting in a car for long periods of time when the destination is not vacation-related can be frustrating to point of mental breakdown. Many of us would rather settle for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head (instant death) than have to deal with a morning of stopping, going, honking, and cursing. The people who best relate to this scenario are those of us who watch the opening scene from Office Space and are unable to laugh because of how much we can relate to it. Well that is what I am here for. As an experienced job hater and commuter, I will provide you with the tips you need to adapt and survive to your morning commute. I will break it down from the point when you are forced into your car to when you are sitting in the parking lot at work contemplating taking a sick day. This is especially important if you live in one of top 10 worst cities for commuters according to Forbes:

http://www.forbes.com/2008/04/24/cities-commute-fuel-forbeslife-cx_mw_0424realestate3_slide_5.html?thisSpeed=15000

After getting ready for work in the morning while continuously cursing under your breath, it is time for you to get in that beautiful automobile of yours and hit the highway. As you stare blankly off into the distance in the driver's seat as if you are about to be launched into space, remember the following tips to help you start that car:

Tip 1: We will start with the simplest, most general advice and get creative from here. Remember some people aren't lucky enough to have jobs, let alone a car to even commute in. This is where you say that thankful crap doesn't work buddy get to the good stuff! Alright, alright here we go.

Tip 2: It is time to get excited about driving. You need to throw on some AC/DC and warm that baby up! Rev that engine like you are an Indy car driver all while screaming "Because I'm TNT! Dynamite!". I don't care if you have an '88 Corolla, tell those horses to giddy up. You can even roll those windows down, attract some attention, and give any passerby the crazy eyes. They won't be thinking you are some cubicle inhabiting paper pusher, but rather a recently released convict ready to mow over some pedestrians on his or her way to the bar.

Tip 3: Peel out when you leave your driveway. Let your neighbors know you have serious business to attend to. Make that Monday morning meeting about Tuesday's meeting look like an important conference call to Japan that you cannot afford to miss.

Here is where you can really get creative with your commute. Remember this is your time to yourself before having to spend 8 hours in the place you call Hell. Instead of being miserable in your car all by your lonesome, spice things up on the road with the surrounding drivers. Now that you have merged with the rest of the herd on the freeway, it is time to have some fun.

Tip 1: First I will hit you with some general, simple approaches to survive your commute. Buy new Cd's or audio books to keep the drive fresh. Having new music or a new story to listen to will take your mind off of the road and that cursed office of yours that lies ahead. I know what you are thinking, and yes, I'm sure the iPhone does have an app for that.

Tip 2: Take snacks with you on the drive. Healthy ones of course, we want you to be able to remove yourself from the car when you arrive. Remember to take foods such as carrots or apples that are easy to handle whilst driving. Do not pour yourself a bowl of Coooookie Crisp in the carpool lane.

Tip 3: Enough keeping to yourself, it is time to interact with the drivers around you for your own entertainment because we all know misery loves company. Try driving really close to one edge of your lane to make other drivers next to you uneasy about your motor skills. Be sure to mix it up with many vehicles, messing around with just one driver the entire way could result in the driver contacting the authorities or turning your morning commute into a monster truck rally (this does not bode well for your Corolla).

Tip 4: Attempt to contact fellow drivers when traffic is barely moving. Signal them to roll down their window as if you have some important news. Once the fellow driver obliges, hit them with some random concoction of words. Try shouting "Chuck Norris is my dad!", "I love cabbage!" or anything else that would register you as unstable in their minds. Then laugh to yourself as they attempt to move to the farthest lane from you on the freeway.

Tip 5: Another fun experiment to conduct involves flailing wildly in your car when traffic comes to a halt. Make other drivers nervous with random spasms that lead them to believe that your life is crumbling before their eyes. Also, you could even jump out of your car, run around it, and jump back in. Again, watch them frantically change lanes as if you are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

The sky is the limit on your morning commute and by sky, I mean the law of course. Keep on keeping on.

You made it! Now from the parking lot you can view the horrendous structure that is your office building. Numerous !@#% and #$@&! slip out under your breath as you decide to exit your car to surrender yourself and worship the cubicle gods. At least you were busy enough during your commute not to dwell upon what awaits you and hopefully you will be able to take a few moments from the drive that will keep you chuckling throughout the day. Feel free to use your day to brainstorm for next commute instead of wasting your time with the new cover sheets for your TPS reports.