I Hate My Job Survival Guide: Pimping and Protecting Your Cubicle

Your cubicle is your domain, your humble abode, your home away from home. You need to mark your habitat (avoid urination) with professionalism not only for your comfort, but also for your coworkers intimidation. I have seen so many guides that tell you to make it comfortable by following themes such as a majestic jungle or an exotic beach. What? Do you take your computer at home and sit in the garden? You are basically telling everyone at work that your job is so unbearable you have to pretend you are in a foreign landscape and simple photos of your family and friends just don’t cut it. You aren’t an interior decorator! This type of setup emits fear and depression. You want your space to say that you are a professional and that you will lay the smack down on anyone who attempts to stop you from doing your job. Follow my easy steps to make your cubicle into a crib of professionalism.

Step1: Place barbed wire around the top of your cube walls. Have you ever dealt with annoying coworkers that prefer to peer over your walls instead of walk a couple feet to the entrance like a normal person? This is a job, not a voyeur! They will learn their lesson quickly.

Step 2: If your cubicle is setup so that your back is to the cube entrance, change that. You can’t have coworkers and bosses just sneaking up on you at any given moment. How would you ever play Minesweeper in peace? If your setup does not allow for it, invest in mirrors so that you at least have eyes in the back of your head.

Step 3: Lock your computer with a password every time you leave it. Otherwise you will be left to clean up the mess when a coworker’s head explodes after viewing how few seconds it took you to finish a game of Solitaire.

Now that you have turned your cubicle into a bunker, you can attempt to make it comfortable.

Step 1: A picture of family, friends, or your dog (no cat pictures you weirdos) is acceptable for your desk so that you can remember what you are fighting for. Only a couple of pictures are allowed to give you a sense of purpose. Too many will result in feelings of nostalgia and we all know coworkers smell that as fear.

Step 2: To tie the place together make sure you purchase a life size Chuck Norris cardboard cutout. This man is tough, classy, and the very sight of him has accounted for dozens of deaths. You may not understand this choice, but he may be the closest thing to family you have in that office of yours.

Are you coworkers or bosses relentless? Sneaking up on you with extra work or extracurricular activities to promote synergy? You may need to turn your cube into an arsenal of booby traps that Indiana Jones himself would struggle against.

Step 1: One option is tripwire. This will result in a coworker toppling over as he or she attempts to enter your space. Be wary though, that you have plenty of space to absorb the fall. Last thing you need is a coworker on your lap because incompetence can spread through human contact. Next time your coworkers won’t be so quick to enter your cubicle.

Step 2: If you have plenty of time on your hands you can utilize tripwire to trigger an effect like a paper ball to groin or a sheet of barbed wire to the face. That coworker will never come near your cube again. Another idea is to create similar booby traps that are triggered whenever a coworker moves your personal belongings. They won't pick up that picture of your wife ever again.

With the land and air of your cubicle protected and pimped, you will be free to do your job without any human interaction just how it was supposed to be.